In the early days of our relationship, every disagreement felt like a mini courtroom drama. We were passionate, opinionated, and fiercely determined to be right. Arguments became battles: about the dishes, the weekend plans, the way one of us responded to a text. Small things would spiral into big blow-ups.

Why? Because we were fighting for victory, not for understanding. We wanted to prove a point, not solve a problem.

But over time — and through a lot of emotional bumps — we learned that this approach wasn’t helping anyone. Winning an argument often meant the other person felt diminished. And even if one of us “won,” we both lost something in the process: connection, safety, and trust.

So we shifted our approach. Now, when we argue, we ask a different question: What’s really going on here?

It took a while to get here. We still disagree — we’re human. But we’ve developed habits that help us stop reacting and start reflecting. When tension rises, one of us often calls a timeout. Not in a dramatic, walk-away kind of way — more like, “Hey, I need a minute to cool down.”

That space is crucial. It allows us to move from emotional heat to emotional clarity. When we circle back, we try to go beneath the surface. Because more often than not, the fight isn’t really about what triggered it.

It’s not about the dishes. It’s about feeling taken for granted.
It’s not about the calendar. It’s about not feeling prioritised.
It’s not about tone. It’s about carrying the weight of the week alone.

That deeper layer — the emotional truth beneath the tension — is where resolution really begins. And it’s only accessible when we stop defending ourselves and start listening with curiosity.

We’ve also learned the importance of language. Instead of “You always…” or “You never…,” we try to say, “I feel…” or “I need…” It sounds simple, but it completely changes the energy in the room. It’s less about accusation, more about vulnerability — and that opens the door to real dialogue.

There are times when one of us is more triggered than the other. In those moments, whoever has more calm reserves steps up to anchor the conversation. It’s not about keeping score — it’s about being a team.

And yes, there are times when we still mess up. When tempers flare, or when silence stretches too long. But the difference now is that we don’t stay stuck. We’ve built enough emotional trust to come back to each other and say, “Let’s talk about it.”

We also check in regularly — not just when things go wrong. A short, honest conversation over coffee can often defuse pressure before it builds. We ask each other, “How are you doing with everything?” or “Are we okay?” It sounds basic, but it makes a huge difference.

What’s helped us most is remembering this: it’s not me versus you — it’s us versus the problem. That mindset shift changes the entire dynamic.

We don’t fight to win anymore. We fight to understand — to protect the connection, not our egos. And that, more than anything, has strengthened the foundation of our relationship.Because in the end, we’re not trying to win arguments. We’re trying to win each other’s trust, again and again.